Get Out of My House
by The Cat's Favorite Pyjamas
Summary: I didn't know what I was getting myself into when Deidara broke into my house. Now I'm harboring a criminal against my own free will—and what's more, we're out of bacon! I just wish he would get out of my house so I could get on with my life! Deidara/OC
1. A Bump in the Night?

**A/N:** Welcome to my story! :3 It's the first one I had the nerve to post up here, sooo.... I hope you like it. Lol.  
First chapter's kind of short...more like a prologue than anything, no? It gets more interesting second chapter in. This is my first time writing for Naruto, so I hope you guys enjoy it! I still have a long way to go before my writing is legitimately good, but for now it's good enough to put up here...  
_ENJOY THE STORY! WISH SATSU-CHAN LUCK!  
_

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Get Out of My House, Chapter One:  
A Burglar? Really?

If there's one sound I don't want to wake up to at night, it's the sound of someone lurking around in my house.

Honestly, I'd never fallen asleep that night; it was one of those nights where I just couldn't find a comfortable side to the bed. I'd tossed and turned and just couldn't find that dreamy world where unicorns were coming to give me chocolate to relieve the stress of being a Shinobi.

I heard the door open; that was the first thing that made me nervous. Didn't I lock it…? My eyes shot open and I subconsciously reached for the shuriken on my bedside table—don't ask. I'm paranoid. Heavy footsteps started making their way through the house and I sat up on the side of my bed, feet hovering just before the floor. The footsteps changed tone; they sounded like they were in the kitchen. Someone was rummaging through the drawers in the kitchen. A thief…? Maybe throwing a few shuriken would scare them enough to just see them run off…

I knew I was wrong when I started sensing some chakra levels that don't belong to my meager supply in my household. Not just a small amount—this person, whoever they were, was strong enough to be a notable Shinobi. It was stronger than those of my friends, so I couldn't pass it off as one of them coming to eat all my cookies in the middle of the night again…

So, conclusion? Someone was in my house, and they were not the normal criminals. What could I do about that?

I could be smart, escape through my bedroom window, and run for it.

Or, of course, I could be a fucking _idiot_ and actually confront the crook myself.

I chose the dumb plan.

I padded soundlessly over the hardwood floor of my bedroom and slowly, carefully, and silently, I turned the knob of the door and peeked out.

The room was dark. So much for confronting the crook. Reaching to my left, I fumbled for the lightswitch.

Finally, I met the lightswitch and the lights in the area flickered on. I readied myself to start throwing some shuriken at the crook.

The crook was in the kitchen connected to my small living room. It was a blonde…er, dude? He looked pretty much like a woman at first glance, with blond hair longer than mine that covered half of his face, a blue eye—covered in eyeliner, no doubt about that—and clothes that looked like something I'd wear if I went clubbing. Slung over his shoulder was a black coat with red clouds.

…Wait a minute, red clouds…

I stumbled back with an astonished expression on my face. He smirked.

His voice was surprisingly deep for such a feminine appearance. "Surprise, yeah. Got any orange juice…?"

"You…!" I exclaimed. "You're in the bingo book!" I know I'd seen that face in there, with that cloak—It was Dei-something, if I recalled correctly. Yes, Dei-something…Deidara! That's it! The Akatsuki who captured the Kazekage! I knew it was a good thing to hang around those libraries! I actually _learned_ something important!

Deidara raised an eyebrow boredly. "And…?" he asked flatly.

"I—er—g—" I stammered, heart beating a mile a minute, hands up to protect my face as if he were about to strike me—or, knowing his special talent, blow me up. "Get out of my house!"

Now, maybe that wasn't the _brightest_ thing I could say to an S-ranked criminal. He was _definitely _going to blow me up now.

To my surprise, he just stood where he was and looked at me for a moment before turning around and opening the refrigerator. "Ooh, lemon-lime! My favorite, yeah!" he exclaimed as if I weren't even there, taking _my_ soda out of _my _refrigerator. When he finally dared face me, he did so with a bored expression, popping open the soda can and taking a sip out of it. "Why should I leave? I don't see any problem with hanging around here, yeah."

I sure was glad I hadn't had anything to drink all night, because if I did, I probably would have pissed in my pants. I shivered like I was in a subzero arctic in my underwear; this _killer_, this _criminal_, was looking right at me like he wasn't even intruding. Which he definitely was intruding.

Maybe he was trying to just mess with my head before he killed me. Maybe he thought my freak-out session was funny. Then he'd blow me up like how he tried to incinerate our Kazekage.

But…I didn't _want_ to die. I wanted to marry someone, have a couple of bratty kids, then retire from the Shinobi business and be just another annoying old fart.

"Quit staring at me like an idiot, yeah," Deidara said. I snapped out of my fear-stupor. "I asked you a question."

"Well…" I snapped. "This is _my_ house that you're so rudely intruding upon!"

He chuckled. "I don't care," he replied curtly. "Why should it bother me?"

I sighed. Maybe I shouldn't have acted so rebellious, but I did anyway. "It's common courtesy to stay off of someone else's property."

"You should have told me that _before_ I became a criminal, yeah," he snorted sarcastically.

I leered at him and slowly started walking from my doorway—my safe haven—and into the open room to the right of the low countertop that linked with the kitchen. This…sucked, is the only way I could put it. Deidara watched me with one half-lidded eye while I snuck around my own house like a scared cat. He asked, in that creepy, masculine voice, "What the fuck are you doing, yeah?"

My mom and pop always told me to tell the truth—but maybe I told the wrong truth at the time. "Hiding from you." As soon as I blurted it out, my hands flew to my mouth—what, did I want to get killed sooner?

He snorted. "You're not doing a very good job of it," he grumbled, taking a chunk of cheese out of the fridge and munching on it like I wasn't even there and it wasn't mine to begin with. Noticing that I was still cowering, he sighed and rolled his one visible blue eye. "You could at least pretend not to be a coward, yeah."

As if a puppeteer was pulling a string up from my back, I automatically straightened up, cringing as if I had been ordered to do so. In doing so, something bumped in to me from behind. Yelping like a puppy, I jumped back and faced my enemy to find it was only the back of my couch, facing in the opposite direction of the kitchen and toward the nice little television set I kept against the wall.

Now, I not only felt scared as shit, but I also felt like a complete idiot for freaking out at a sofa. I should have known my own house better than this… It'd been arranged the same way for years. Same sofa too, all dull brown and mushy. With that, I recalled something I said to a good friend once. _'It's brown, smelly, and mushy. Sounds like a fucking huge shit. Out of all the couches I could buy…'_

That was definitely not relevant to my situation at the moment, though. Maybe I needed to concentrate more on survival techniques.

Well, Pop once told me that I was going to wind up getting blown up before I was thirty. I was twenty four. Whoop-dee-doo. Was he psychic or something?

"What are you looking at, yeah?" Deidara asked nonchalantly. It was then that I realized that I had wound up in another of my crazy stupors of deep thought, where I sit there and stare in to space with my mouth half-open. I straightened up again, a sweat gathering nervously at my brow. "Oh—I—"

He chuckled at my attempt to make a coherent sentence, flipping his hair in an arrogant way that reminded me of the models on those teen magazines that my little sister read. "I know I'm sexy and all, but that doesn't mean you have to stare at me all the time, yeah," he commented.

"Wh—_What?!_" I stammered angrily, a bit of red coming to my face. "I wasn't even looking at you, bastard!"

He smirked. "Sure." There was some obvious sarcasm dripping from his voice.

Okay, okay, send me to an asylum now. I'm actually having a conversation with a psycho who works for one of the most feared criminal organizations. My mother and father would disown me if they saw their precious daughter _not_ trying to attack him at the moment or raise an alarm.

Actually, I was about to do quite the opposite. "Can I go to bed now?" I had to say, it was the middle of the night and I was tired. And if the he-she had no plans yet to blow me up, I could at least rest up before I had my guts spread over the floor.

He shrugged. "I'm not stopping you, yeah," he replied. He just kept rummaging around my kitchen. "Hey, you got any gauze or anything?"

I half-shrugged and started heading back to my bedroom at the end of the hall. "If I do, it's in the bathroom. First door to the right." _Only_ door to the right, I added to myself, opening the door at the end and making my way back in to the room, crawling back in to my bed, and closing my eyes.

Maybe this was one of those really stupid dreams that you get from eating pizza before bed. That would explain why the big scary ninja wasn't being very big and scary. Maybe I was going to wake up and I still had plenty of cheese and orange juice left in the fridge.

Telling myself over and over again that this was just something silly and pepperoni-induced, I slowly drifted off into some sort of a dream world involving the neighbor's cat eating the cookie dough I was trying to shove into the oven.

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**A/N: **There you have it! GOOMH Chapter One! If you have the time, feel free to review and tell me what you think! There's more to this coming soon...:3 Have a SUPER AWESOME Day!


	2. Of Bacon and Electricity Bills

**A/N: **Oh my gosh! After the last chapter got so much attention, I just about screamed at my computer screen in extreme happiness! THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH! I LOVE YOU ALL FOR READING THIS!!!  
ALSO, I'm sorry for the wait, guys! It took me a while to post this one, yeah...LOL. I said "yeah." Like Deidara's speech problem. ;)  
ANNNNYWAY, I'm super duper sorry for the wait! I decided Deidara wasn't in character enough and rewrote the chapter, I hope he's more in character this time around! (:  
Tried to cut back a bit on the "Yeahs." If I didn't use them enough, let me know? I also made sure to map out the first quarter of my story...this one might be kind of long unless I cut out some of the dumb stuff and condense some chapters. Overall though I'm really excited to write it! Though, I don't think this chapter was too good...but I didn't like the original of this chapter at all and had to do that total rewrite anyway!  
Have fun learning about the bacon gods now! LOL

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Get Out of My House  
Chapter 2: Of Bacon and Electricity Bills

_Hum… Something smells good…_

Maybe one of my friends had come over for the morning to cook me breakfast. They'd done it before…but wasn't I sick that time? Maybe I was sick…

…_Wait. Wait a fucking second…_ The memories of the night before flashed through my mind…but wasn't that just a dream? Like the one about the cat and those cookies?

"Oi."

I cringed as someone spoke in an oddly familiar voice.

"Where'd you put your spatulas, yeah?"

That's it. I screamed. The blond in the doorway yelped and put his hands over his ears.

"Why are you still here?!" I yelled. It should have been a dream…! A silly dream! The results of eating leftover pizza before bed!

"Calm down, will you?!" he replied, his tone doused in confusion.

I sighed, pushing myself down from the sitting position I had sprung up to in my bed to stare at the ceiling. Maybe I was still dreaming… I prayed this was one of those extended nightmares you get sometimes. When I awoke, I'd probably call all my friends and tell them how great they are then go adopt a puppy. After all, it was all a _silly dream_…

Thusly, I wanted to hurry up and wake the fuck up. This was nothing of a pleasant dream; evil villains had no right to run into my house and demand spatulas for any reason whatsoever! Or drink my orange juice! That was _my_ orange juice!

I wanted to prove my point, and there was one big way I thought of to show that this was a dream and I was about to sprout wings and feed this stupid blonde to the Ice Cream God.

Steadily, I raised a finger to one of my eyes and jabbed myself quickly, but hard enough to cause some pain should I be awake.

"OW! Fuck!" I wailed. Deidara flinched.

…So, this wasn't a dream? Really?

"You're a psycho woman, yeah!" Deidara complained. "A crazy self-harm-inflicting wench! Why won't you stop screaming at everything?! I'd like to ask a simple question without my ear drums blowing out! Crazy moron!" He continued firing insults, but I'd totally zoned him out by then. If this wasn't a dream, then…

…What the _hell_? For the millionth time, why was Deidara in my house?

He quieted down and I stared at a spot on the wall.

Silence.

More silence.

"…What are you doing in my house?" I asked, confounded.

"Cooking," he replied flatly.

I shook my head. Rewording probably needed to be applied here…

"Okay," I said after gathering my wits. Somewhat snarkily, I continued, "Why is there a high-class super villain in my house, drinking my orange juice and cooking with my food? _What the fuck_?"

"Hm." Deidara shrugged. "After dealing with that Uchiha bastard's little brother and leaving him to play with a little clone of mine, I just thought I'd get the fuck out and lay low for a while. They should think I'm dead by now. I never wanted to join the damned Akatsuki anyway. If I have to deal with Tobi one more minute, yeah…" he shuddered. I raised my eyebrows at him.

"But…" I mumbled weakly, "why _my_ house? Why don't you…I don't know, go hang out with that hobo and his pet box, or stay in an abandoned hut, or maybe build a secret lab in a shockingly conspicuous cave like all the normal super villains do?"

He laughed, which made me glare at him and give myself a mental slap for my own stupidity. "You really need to think twice about buying a house with a balcony view. Or at least start locking the door from now on, yeah."

Alright then. Two mental slaps.

He continued, "Easy entry. You seem like a pretty weak shinobi anyway, or at least a stupid one. Took you long enough to realize there was someone in the house… I had already started raiding the fridge and wondering if the place was empty."

"Shut up." Three mental slaps. "I really should go to authorities about you, you know. I'm sure Kazekage-sama would _love_ to have you over." My last words were snide and sarcastic.

Deidara glared at me; I shuddered and pulled my blankets up in attempt to hide behind them like a scared little mouse.

"Stop that," he said. "You're making yourself look like a fat turtle, yeah."

"I'm not a turtle!" I yelled from behind my flimsy attempt of a barrier-hiding-place-thing.

"Yet you do not deny being fat?"

Four mental slaps. "I'm not fat either, you bastard!" I was glad I was still hiding under my blanket or he may have seen the blush decorating my skin. How dare he indirectly call me fat—or make me call myself fat—or whatever he did! I don't care! All I know is that he's a bad person so he said something bad!

That's when I started to catch a whiff of some kind of scent. It was kind of…_Porky._

"Is something burning…?" I asked aloud, forgetting about my turtle-shell-blanket-whatever and poking my head up to sniff the air. Deidara's one blue eye grew large for a moment.

"Shit!" he yelled as he disappeared again and I could hear him clambering through the hallway to the kitchen. "The bacon! Dammit!"

So… if he didn't blow my house up…he was going to burn the entire apartment complex down instead by forgetting that he was cooking.

I waited a few minutes in silence until I heard the clattering stop and decided to go take a look at the damage. I rose from bed, padding through the hallway on my little bare feet and praying for the best.

The scene that I walked in upon in the kitchen was only among the worst of my nightmares. Everything was normal…the stove was uncharred, the smoke was clearing…

But then my eyes traveled to a sullen-looking Deidara, then to the pan in his hand.

There lay the burnt remains of what could have been delicious bacon. Oh, that poor bacon…shriveled and blackened, smoking at the ends…never to see the wonderful world of food and My Stomach… Its life had been cut off oh so short… I whispered a small prayer to the Bacon Gods to please grant this piece of parched pork safe passage to Bacon Heaven.

If anything, Deidara _pouted_ about his bacon. Nose turned up like he was having some kind of hissy fit, he said, "This wouldn't have happened if you'd told me where the spatulas are, yeah."

I narrowed my eyes at him defiantly. "You shouldn't be cooking your breakfast in a house where you're unwelcome anyway, _yeah,_" I mocked. Yay for rebellious behavior!

"Make fun of me again and I'll blow you up." I flinched and went back to hiding inside my turtle shell of I-don't-want-to-blow-up-and-die. He smirked and chuckled. "You're a funny one, aren't you, Marie?"

I twitched. "Since when did you know…my name…?" Pray to god I don't talk in my sleep. The last thing I would want is S-ranked criminals hearing me talk in my sleep.

"You had an electricity bill on the counter." Okay, that was a bit better…

Wait! The power bill! I'd forgotten about it! It should have been paid yesterday!

…Maybe the world was mocking me. Right on cue, the electric lights flickered off and left us in the light of the morning coming in from downtown Suna.

Allow me to take this time to fathom something to you—I am an unfortunate soul. I never cared about being a shinobi—I did it to "continue the family legacy" as one would call it, not to make money, not to be talented, not to get attention, but simply because my father, a retired war veteran sort of person, made me join the Academy. Hell, if I had my way, I would be a merchant, or a dentist, or something…I don't know, _normal._ Thusly, I've only ever done what is absolutely necessary. I don't know how I ever passed the chunin exam, but it must have been one of those moments of epic inspiration that folks get in between ruts in training. My team usually picks up the slack for me, and for that I'm thankful; I'm just a pretty mediocre sort of ninja. Our village leaders seem to see that too, and for that I just have to do the small missions that no one wants. With luck, maybe I'll eventually even make time for some side-jobs so I can move out of my dinky apartment…

Of course, with this new little installment in the situations of Life of Iwanaga Marie, I'm not sure if I'll even be alive to get that part time job or maybe even call it quits to the ninja world. It wouldn't be long now until I get blown up, especially if this Deidara is short-tempered.

So, let's sum things up, shall we? For one, I can't fight back at any sort of attack worth crap, so I can't even think about resisting an S-Ranked criminal. Secondly, said S-ranked criminal was _still_ in my house. Third, I was without electricity. Fourth, I was hungry and some smart cookie here killed the bacon.

In conclusion, I could only think of one way to put it: I'm _fucked_. Wish me luck not croaking any time soon.

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**A/N: **Alright guys! That's it! If you liked it, would you care to leave me a review?

Also, **ENDLESS THANKS AND EPIC LOVE TO:**  
**Black Thorns and Red Roses**  
**XninjaXpenguinX**  
**ScarletDivinity**  
**YourDarkGuardian**

**I LOVE YOU GUYS SOOO MUCH!!! YOU'RE THE BEST!** YOU MAKE SATSU-CHAN SCREAM IN HAPPINESS AND CAUSE HER PARENTS TO COME RUNNING IN THINKING SHE HURT HERSELF TO FIND HER BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS! LOVE YOU ALL!

_Have a SUPER AWESOME day!_


	3. What's with the bird?

**A/N: **Thank you SOO much for all the attention chapter two got! I love everyone who reads this SO MUCH! I love writing it too! So much fun! LOL.  
Sorry for the slight delay on this chapter. I got really sick over the weekend. D: I'm better now though! I have so much fun writing this fanfic...  
Anyway, have fun reading! So far, this one's the longest one. I feel kind of proud of myself because of it. :3 I apologize for any silly mistakes... I only just finished the editing.

(DISCLAIMER: Naruto is not mine! If it were, Deidara would have won the Deidara vs. Sasuke fight. :/ I only own poor Marie and her adventures...)

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GOOMH Chapter 3  
_What's with the bird?_

_Why was that bird still following me?_

I took the weirdest turns I could; I eyed it with suspicion; but still, it circled a small distance above my head, giving me the chills. It was like it were some kind of clone used to spy on my every move… I wondered if I had birdseed on my head or something.

A quick swipe over my dark brown head told me otherwise. Maybe I just smelled birdlike today or something… After all, I couldn't exactly shower before going off to pay the electricity since _there was no light in the bathroom_. Seriously, that place was like a black hole. So, I sufficed without the little bit of make-up I donned every day to hide all the imperfections of my skin (hey, a girl's got to be at least somewhat attractive, now) and pulled my hair up into a messy bun of dark-brown doom. Yes, doom… I didn't _want_ to know what was up in that disaster, but it worked for just going to pay my bills. Wasn't like I was going to visit the Kazekage or something…

…Though, that did sound a little bit like a good idea—I mean, better than having a crazy criminal waiting for me when I get home, at the least. But, for some reason, I had a feeling that he'd be watching… _Just like that fucking creepy bird!_

With the thought in mind, when I passed the huge Kazekage mansion, I subconsciously held my breath and passed a little more cautiously than I would have normally. _Must…avoid…going splodie…all over the ground…_

I stalked through the markets inconspicuously after my passing the mansion. The tan surfaces of the other buildings, the sunlight overhead, the markets opening up for the morning…they were all mocking me, weren't they? _Ha, ha, Marie. You're stuck housing a criminal and you don't even have the guts to tell the Kage. You've got no electricity too. And did I mention that you totally missed out on breakfast this morning and a certain blonde killed all the bacon? All because you overreacted when you woke up and wouldn't tell him where to find the spatulas._

I grimaced and walked faster, pushing past an old couple and almost shoving one of their coffees in their faces in the process. Mm, coffee… I could go for some, if it weren't for the fact that I had a power bill to pay.

The company was very frivolous in their spending. I saw a simple, tan-faced building labeled "SUNAGAKURE ELECTRIC CO." on the outside, but the inside was high-ceilinged and shiny-floored. Many meters away from me was the front counter. A lady watched from behind the counter, smiling a businesslike, I-want-to-get-promoted-with-my-attitude smile at me as I approached.

"How can I help you, miss?" she asked.

"I have a power bill to pay," I replied quickly. The bird had followed me in…it seriously had the nerve… I shifted anxiously, eyes flicking up at the damned finch that tweeted above me.

"Can I have your name?" the receptionist continued, looking behind her at the long set of cabinets labeled with letters.

"Iwanaga. Iwanaga Marie." I was used to this process; the folks here still wouldn't invest in modern technology, but at least on the normal payment day they had multiple receptionists working and sifting through the documents for bills.

"Ah. Here we are, miss Iwanaga," she said in a falsely bright tone, looking through the 'I' cabinet until she found my name. Coming back to the desk, she held a folder with my name on it, and pulled out a sheet of paper.

"That will be 36,000 yen, miss."

I froze.

…_What the fuck?_

"…Huh?" I squeaked. "You serious?"

_Please,_ I prayed, _please_ _tell me this is a joke._

"Well, miss," the lady replied, "it says here that you used an excessive amount of electricity from the times of April the fourth to April the sixteenth."

"…I was on a mission on those days…" I mumbled, staring at the page.

36,000 YEN.

You had to be _kidding_ me. Someone must have thrown a really extreme party at my place while I was out… I reminded myself to hunt down my sister and beat the money out of her. She was the only one who had the keys to my house besides myself… she never had returned them after she helped me move in all those years ago.

Grumbling, I reached for my wallet and tried to fish out the money.

*** * ***

That bird followed me all the way home. _All. The. Way._ I was really, really creeped by it.

I came home tired, wanting some breakfast and maybe a nap, but that was definitely _not_ going to happen… that moment, as I heard voices down the hall, I realized how stupid it was to leave a criminal unattended in my house.

"I swear, I didn't mean to!" was the first thing I heard as I walked down the hallway.

Well damn. What happened now? And was it going to cost me another forty thousand yen? Because seriously, that was most of my paycheck this. I can't afford to spend yen around every corner.

I peered around the hallway suspiciously and came across exactly what I knew couldn't be a good sign. The hallway was slightly clouded with smoke; there was only a light haze though, and an open window signifying the attempt to clear it. The first thing I noticed was Deidara—thank god he wasn't wearing the Akatsuki cloak or I'd sure as hell be busted for housing a criminal that I didn't even _want _to house—and there was the old couple from next door, making quite a fuss about something.

"I'm telling you," Deidara argued, "I was just a little shocked and let loose a small explosion! No harm done, yeah! No more fire!"

"I say!" the old man replied in his raspy voice. "You shook the entire wall and knocked a portrait off!"

The woman continued, "You gave me a fright, sonny!"

"I didn't mean to do a damn thing!" Deidara rebelled again. "That was an accident!"

"How about I accidentally complain to the landlord, son?!" the old man raised his voice.

I thought this was about time to break it up. "Okay!" I called from down the hall, hurrying to get between them. Standing in front of a pissed-off Deidara to face the old couple, I tried to be as polite as possible. My first thought was that I couldn't believe I was saving a super-villain's ass…but I supposed it was a necessity. It was save him from this argument or lose the entire apartment complex and maybe be submitted to some serious ninja interrogation… I shivered. Never really liked interrogation, if you know what I mean…

"Uh, Mister and Missus Yamato…" I began, flustered. "I'm, er, sorry about the mess, or whatever happened. This is, uh, my cousin—yeah, my cousin!—and he's going to be staying with me for…a little while. Please don't mind him…" I leered at Deidara," He has…a bit of a _bad temper._" Deidara rolled his eyes at me.

"You better put that boy on a leash!" the old woman protested. "Never let folks like that out of your sight…don't see why they let those children be shinobi these days when all they do is cause disruptions for the rest of us…" From there on, I'm sure she commenced one of those 'back in my youth' speeches, but I wasn't really paying attention.

I bowed, continuing, "I'm sorry for bothering you, Mrs. Yamato. I'll make sure it never, ever happens again."

"You better make sure of that, girlie!"

I didn't stay for any more chat—rather rashly, actually, I grabbed Deidara's wrist and dragged him back into the house.

—Of course, then I realized that I was actually _touching the fiend's wrist_ and I let go like it was the plague.

Then I saw the destruction of my poor, unsuspecting kitchen.

The stove had exploded, it was obvious. The charred remains of it mocked my misfortune. The frame was there; but it was also very blackened, just like the morning's bacon.

_Well, _I thought, _This sucks. I didn't get any breakfast, and now I can't have any. Ever. Is this the worst day of my life, or what?_

But there was that one day when the duck made off with my shoes on a mission…but that's another story, I guess. That just plain sucked. Made the whole day a bad one.

Back to the stove. I ran a hand over my face, trying to dispel my tiredness, but it didn't really do much of anything. Now, that was going to cost me another forty thousand yen…that I don't have. My poor bank account. I hope it had a safe passage to Bank Heaven, where maybe it'll run into the bacon on the way.

"You…Blew up my stove?" I said to Deidara—he just kind of stood there and watched my misfortune. Maybe he thought it was funny. What a bastard…

"It scared me, yeah!" he objected. "The lights went on so quickly that I threw a bomb at it!"

I sighed and turned away. Maybe I needed a vacation…yes, vacation…No. Not vacation. _Permanent escape_. Make off with all my money, marry some random lord of some village, and live by a creek where no one can find me. Yes…the Wasabi clan, maybe, or the Hibachi clan…those both sounded scrumptious.

Huh. Was I so hungry that I wanted to marry into a clan named after food and live by a creek in the middle of nowhere? I had to be delusional. That was why this Deidara was still here—it was a hallucination! An extreme one! I'm just walking around and talking to the air and people are giving me weird looks! Or I'll wake up tied down in a cell in the loony bin!

Yes, yes, none of this is happening…

Wait _one more _second. Hallucination-bird was still here. _Did he follow me in?_

Well, damn. I faced the bird full-on, confronting it with my most serious face—well, more like scared face, but anyway, I still meant business.

"Why are you still following me!" I yelled at the bird perched on the little lamp by the door.

"That's mine, yeah," Deidara answered for it. It fluttered its creepy tan finch wings and landed on his finger. "This one's an explosive. I sent it to spy on you in case you made any slip-ups…reported to anyone who you shouldn't…"

I twitched. "You were going to blow me up if I turned you in…?"

He nodded. "This one's using my favorite clay. I can blow up half the village with this piece of art, yeah."

"You…" I shuddered. "You twisted, twisted criminal."

He grinned in response, as if he were expecting that answer out of me.

I'd just about had enough. No, I'd had enough long ago. I'd had enough last night. I'd had enough before he even _showed up_. It's just so irrational and so ridiculous.

Angered and defiant, I turned and faced Deidara, a glare on my face. I pointed to him as I spoke commandingly. "Listen up, you," I said. "We don't blow stoves up in this house. I can't afford to pay for that kind of stuff. We also don't burn the bacon, we don't frighten the homeowner, and we _definitely_ don't argue with the neighbors unless we want to get evicted."

"I'm telling all you guys, I didn't mean to," he protested again. I turned my nose up at him in disbelief.

_"_Well,_ I_ didn't mean to let you in the house," I replied, "but it happened anyway, didn't it?!"

I decided to leave it at that. With a bit of grumbling, I marched back to my bedroom, slammed the door, buried my face in the nearest pillow and screamed as loud as I could until I started feeling better. Maybe that damn Deidara would know better to bother me too—with luck (which I definitely haven't had lately), he'd leave. But I'm not the most fortunate of folks.

I had a feeling I was stuck in a situation that was going to get pretty grim before I died in some freak half-village explosion thing, courtesy of Deidara's damned bird.

* * *

**A/N:** I hope you liked it! :3 I know I had fun writing! I didn't get but one review for the last chapter, but it's okay for me. :3 I see that it's getting views, and story alerts, so I know people are reading and liking. :P

**ENDLESS PILES OF EXTREME THANKS GO TO:**

**sora0995**  
**Meroko the Bunny (love your name BTW! Full Moon is awesome!)**  
**Wolf Princess of the moon**  
**oOBlueBumbleBeesOo**  
**Tamah**

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH THAT I CANNOT EXPRESS IT INTO WORDS, ONLY JUMBLES OF OVERLY EXCITED TEXT ON MY KEYBOARD.

Reviews much appreciated! I hope you guys enjoyed, and see you next time with the fourth installment of GOOMH!!!


	4. Of Hunger and Couches

**A/N: **Hey guys! I'm back with a new chapter! I'm sorry about the wait though. Satsu-chan got the flu. DX It was awful. Then when I got better, my high school was ready for final exams!  
ANYWAY, here's the next chapter! I hope you all enjoy it!

Also, on another note: **Satsu-chan is looking for beta readers!** Please PM me if you are interested. You need to be able to get the stories back to me rather quickly, preferably have a messaging account that works with MSN, and so on and so forth. Also, you can't take any of Satsu-chan's excuses seriously, you need to be stubborn, and you need to be willing to be kind of friendly, because Satsu-chan likes friends. :3 So, please PM me if you are interested in beta reading for my stories!** I am also looking for a beta reader for an upcoming Yuffentine fourshot!**

So, onward to the story!

* * *

Get Out Of My House Chapter Four:  
Of Hunger and Couches

_Dear Stomach,_

_ I would like to cordially apologize for the sudden lack of sustenance I have been providing to you. I would have taken better care to send you more at your earliest messages, but I have found myself caught in a situation where food is not readily available._

_ In other words a certain shinobi supervillain who's found himself leeching off of me and my house has blown up the bacon and the stove both. It was a saddening departure and I spoke for both their funerals. Attending was the instant ramen that I sent to you a few hours ago._

_ I apologize for the inconvenience and hope you understand and stop sending me grumbles of distaste at this most recent development._

_ Sincerely,_

_ Iwanaga Marie_

_ PS: Please stop growling. It's awkward._

I concluded my mental letter, head slamming onto the wood of the dining room table for the ninety-sixth time. I didn't stop hitting my head repeatedly until Deidara said something along the lines of "You're gonna hurt yourself, yeah."

As I had stopped abusing my skull, I proceeded to stare intently at the grains of the table. Maybe there was some kind of message from Kami waiting there for me and if I stared at it intently enough then it'd tell me what to do with Deidara. But, all I saw in the polished surface of finished wood was the welt slowly growing up on my head. Hopefully it wouldn't start looking like an alien growth or something. I remembered the time I was first learning how to use chakra to run faster and we were on a mission in Konoha… ah, the old Genin days. I think I had half my memory wiped that day when I slammed my pretty little forehead into a tree. Mum always said I've been a little loopy since that day.

Well, enough reminiscing. I believe I had a more dire situation at hand than a silly head wound.

Like the stove. Or, to better put it, the scorched remains of the stove. The house reeked lightly of smoke, because not even in the evening in midsummer Suna was I going to dare opening the windows. Deserts were _fucking hot_. I'd have to wait until the sun went down for it to cool down enough to suit my tastes.

Hmm…maybe if I got him to pay rent…

Like that would ever happen. If I demanded something of this crazy bomber, I have no doubt in my mind that he wouldn't bother to waste any time to blow me up.

Why should I be worrying about money anyway? I wasn't going to last much longer as far as I knew and money should be the last thing to consider when my life is at stake.

I glanced up. That damned bird still perched itself upon a shelf next to the door, watching us in a lifelike way that creeped me out. To think that the thing could blow up half the village with a hand sign from our friendly neighborhood criminal over there…

Speaking of him, he brushed right past me into the kitchen, causing me to recoil a bit in surprise. Since when had he gotten up?!

I watched as he made his way to the fridge, opened the shiny white refrigerator door, and peered inside. "Damn," he grumbled. "You're out of orange juice, yeah."

"I don't like orange juice," I replied.

He froze where he was. "…_What?_"

"I don't like orange juice."

"You're insane, yeah." He eyed me with a bit of suspicion. "Everyone likes orange juice."

"I don't," I replied. "It's overpriced and it's really not all that tasty."

"You might want to get your brain looked at one of these days, Marie."

I shrugged. I never really was a big fan of citrus, besides lemon-lime soda. Orange juice was one of my least favorite things, especially after my mom took after making fresh-squeezed juices. Let's just say she wasn't the best cook around…ever. I couldn't be sure if it was orange juice I was looking at or a deadly toxin.

"I need my brain looked at anyway," I considered after a moment. "If Kazekage-sama knew that I was letting his murderer into my house, he'd throw me into one of those loony bins where they make you wear the straight jackets and sit in solitary confinement for the rest of your life."

"I think he's more likely to kill you than do that, yeah," Deidara replied.

"Oh, what lovely encouragement. I feel _so comforted_." I grumbled sarcastically, taking this time to hit my head against the table I sat at once more.

"You're welcome," he replied with a satisfied grin, taking out another can of lemon-lime soda and coming to take a seat at the table.

We were quiet for a _really _long time. I was too afraid to start conversation with Deidara, and he—well, he was just being Deidara, as usual.

I took this as a chance to watch him for a minute. His blonde locks fell over his shoulders, a ponytail high over his head and a curtain of fine blonde hair falling over his left eye. It really was nice hair…

_Wait. Did I really think that?_ Deidara's hair looked like it should go on a woman. He'd make a pretty transvestite—completely un-manly. Heck, he was a prettier girl than I was! How did he get his hair that silky anyway? Mine was all knotty and nasty and tough, roughly cut between jobs and missions and naps.

Deidara's eyes locked with mine for a moment and I looked away.

"Why the hell are you staring at me now, yeah?" he asked flatly.

I decided to respond full-out this time. Fuck cowering! "I was wondering what kind of shampoo you used," I replied. It was rather valiant, if I do say so myself. I should have gotten a war hero metal for such daring comments.

He scoffed. "It doesn't matter whatever kind of shampoo I use, you're still not going to have hair as good as mine."

I glared at him. So what…? I'd accepted long ago that my hair was sort of boring, like it needed some kind of volume, or curl, or anything, but instead it just stuck there, roughly cut between jobs and laying around on the couch or going on missions. "Maybe I was just curious," I snapped.

He laughed. Yes—laughed. The bastard laughed at my misery. "Marie, you're weird, yeah," he said.

"At least people can tell what gender I am at first glance," I muttered under my breath.

Thank God he didn't hear that.

The rest of the day went by slowly. I spent most of it watching Deidara when he wasn't looking, and he spent most of it picking around at my stuff and eventually settled to reading a book and complaining about how poorly-written, unartistic, and boring it was. Once night rolled around, I'd counted every grain on the table and managed to scrounge up a piece of bread and a popsicle for supper. Whenever I saw something that needed to be cooked on the stove, I shuddered away from it and tried to ignore the hole between countertops where said stove lay in ashes. For about five minutes, I'd even managed to distract myself with cleaning the ashes off of where the counters were lightly scorched.

Stupid Deidara. Stupid bombs. I should have bought a bomb-proof stove, in preparation for not-so-good times when crazy bombers come into your house and blow up all your kitchen appliances.

"I'm tired, yeah," Deidara grumbled from the couch.

"Then take a nap," I replied in the same flat tone as his, continuing my cleaning.

"But this couch smells like shit," he responded. "Looks like shit too."

I turned to glare at him. "Maybe you should have broken into someone else's house then, and held someone hostage whose couch is a bit more comfortable." He snorted while I turned back around and cleaned the countertops with renewed vigor.

He remained quite for a long time. Like, long enough for me to start getting a little concerned. He didn't take too much insult at it, did he…? I hated hurting people's feelings.

"Uh…Deidara…? Mister-crazy-criminal-bomber? You okay?" My voice shook as I called behind me.

No answer. Either he was angsting or he was asleep.

I went with the idea that he fell asleep.

"Okay…" I continued, a bit quieter. "I'm going to bed now… I need some sleep…"

I didn't look at the couch once as I tiptoed to me room. I expected him to be sitting there and glaring at me the whole time or something, if he were awake, and I was very afraid of scary glares so I didn't want to chance it. Instead, I crossed the gap between the living room and the kitchen counter and made my way to my bedroom at the end of the hall. Without even flipping on the light switch, I collapsed horizontally on my bed with a groan.

As soon as I did so, I flinched. There was something warm underneath my belly…

"Get off of me, yeah!" came the familiar voice.

Uh oh.

"_Holy shit_!" I yelled, loud enough to wake a giant as I sprang off of my bed at lightning speed and ran for the light switch.

Deidara had definitely crossed the line this time as I took in the sight when light flooded the room. He was laying on _my_ bed—well, now he was sitting up and looking like I had smacked him across the face or something. _My bed_. The bastard took my bed.

"What the hell?!" he exclaimed.

"I should be asking _you_ that!" I yelped back, eyes twitching and a bit of red rushing to my face. Had I really almost fallen asleep atop of Deidara…? _Awkward_.

"Turn on the light next time, yeah!" he continued. "You could have given me a fucking heart attack!"  
"What are you doing in my bed, anyway?" Yeah. What _was_ he doing here?

"What does it _look_ like I'm doing? Getting some sleep, yeah!" My, my, he was being awful snarky… He wasn't the one who just had his important property taken up by some lazy asshole.

"That's _my_ bed though!" I protested.

"Why don't you take the couch instead? It smells and looks like shit," he sneered. "Just like you!"

I'd had enough of that. Casting one more glare at him, I marched to my dresser, pulled out some pajamas, and marched back out that door—without turning the light back off, of course. That bastard could get up and do that himself. I changed in the bathroom in the hallway, grabbed a blanket from my extra little storage room, and headed off to the couch.

Ick. I'd always meant to get a new couch but never got around to it. I grimaced at the old brown leather thing that reeked of cigarette smoke from sitting at my friend's house for way too long and looked like a sofa-shaped pile of dung. Man, this had to be so bad for my back…and maybe my hair too…and my body odor.

Damn you, Deidara! Damn you!

I guess I couldn't do anything about it anyway though. If I defied a terrorist, wouldn't they get the urge to blow me up? I didn't want the floor to be covered in Marie guts… I mean, that's such a bad way to go.

I glanced at the clay bird that still perched on the door. The whole village was at stake too… I had to be careful. This man wasn't just threatening me—he was threatening my family, the kids at the Academy, the delicious Suna food… Everything.

I could say this was a mission then: work in a somewhat cooperative manner with a criminal to save everyone in town.

Maybe I'd get lucky anyway. Maybe someone would recognize him and run to the Kazekage. Maybe they'd help me get rid of him and I could be recognized as a hero for a few weeks then get on with my life.

…Oh, if that happened, I'd _so_ retire. Shinobi life isn't the life for me anyway. I'm that little wimp in the corner who clutches her kunai nervously and can't really do much but just barely get by. I'm the girl in the really bad action movies that screams the main character's name the whole fight instead of actually doing something _useful_. Except there's a twist—I'm not a blonde supermodel either! So I can't do _anything_ in the ninja world, including looking badass.

I kept imagining all this and how I'd run a candy store when I retired so I could have all the free chocolate I wanted, and how I'd write a small novel on my predicament and made a huge profit off of it for being a superhero, and I'd go to those random conventions, and live in a small village where it wasn't so damn sunny all the time…

With all this in mind, I'd soon managed to get myself to fall asleep and had more pleasant dreams about that retirement. Yay, sleep...

* * *

**A/N: A MILLION YEARS OF ENDLESS AND ETERNAL EPIC THANKS GOES OUT TO:**

**oOBlueBumbleBeesOo**  
**Katarauchiha653719**  
**Bittersweetties**  
**FevrierMai**  
**AustralianGypsy**  
**Chocoholic Jeevas**  
**GhostxHunterxLlamas**  
**Chockitta**  
**Kami666**

**YOU GUYS ARE THE GREATEST PEOPLE IN THE UNIVERSE.** Really now. Satsu-chan knows what she's talking about; She's empress of the universe! :D

Anyway, please review and give me your feedback on the chapter, guys! I hope you enjoyed it! I'll get the next one up as soon as I can! Deidara and Marie's relationship should start developing more next chapter, so just wait for it! :3

_Have a SUPER AWESOME day!_


	5. Unexpected Visitors

**A/N:** Guys, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to take this long to write this chapter, and I have no excuse… I just keep getting plotbunnies and writing random oneshots! D: I never put them up though. Maybe I will in the future.  
I hope the next chapter shall come out sooner. I _hope_. I can't guarantee anything. However, I have already started work on it, so maybe that's a good sign...(;  
Also, **I am still looking for a beta reader!** If you're interested, please PM me. I promise that I don't devour Beta Readers' souls…(: I would also like beta readers for my **upcoming Final Fantasy VII four-shot and Spirited Away fanfiction.** Please, PLEASE PM me if you would like to beta read for me! :3

**DISCLAIMER:** Naruto is not mine. If it were, Deidara would be alive and Tenten would get more than five minutes of screen time. The only characters that belong to me are Takeshi, Shuichi, and our dear protagonist, Marie.

Get Out of My House Chapter Five:

Unexpected Visitors

_By Tadashi S.  
_

The next morning…sucked. That's all I can say about it. It sucked. Terribly. I was _fucking miserable_. Damn bird-bombs…

So, it started out with my groggy, sore-backed, smelly-couch-hating attempts to keep the sun out of my eyes, since it conveniently shone in through the glass doors to the porch that I was too stupid to pull a curtain over the night before.

Then a shadow passed over my field of vision and gave me temporary relief from Suna's cruel waves of sunlight. Curious as to what it was, I cracked an eye open.

_OH MY GOD THERE'S A BOMB IN MY FACE OH MY GOD—_

My panic ended with a scream. I sat straight up like my life depended on it and gasped for air. Somewhere behind me, I heard Deidara's laugh and the bird made a light _thunk_ sound as it landed back on the shelf above the door after my initial scare.

"Oh god—your face, yeah—" Deidara attempted to say between laughs.

I grimaced. "Shut up, Deidara," I grumbled. I was _not _feeling like a morning person. In fact, I was pissed off.

"Come on, Marie," Deidara laughed some more. "That was totally worth it to scare you like that. You were starting to snore anyway, yeah, and it was annoying me."

I blushed light cherry for a moment, flustered at his comment. Since when did I snore? "I don't snore!" I protested.

"How would you know?" he retaliated. "Maybe you were just farting anyway, yeah."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "You bastard," I grumbled, rising from my uncomfortable sofa resting place to go take a shower.

I just couldn't believe him… If he ever expected to get any girls, he needed a bit more manners than that. Oh, if he weren't hanging the fate of half of the village over my head, I'd be rid of him by now. I'd chop off that pretty blonde hair of his…and rub dirt all over his skin until he got a zit or something… and poke that clear blue eye until it turned bloodshot…

How would he feel then? Damn, I'd feel great! An image of a Deidara without his blonde hair ran through my mind for a moment and I giggled. Maybe then he'd actually look like a man! Or not… I mean, he was pretty skinny and all, and weren't men supposed to be…I don't know, buff or something? Well, except for my teammate Shuichi, but he doesn't count. That boy's metabolism is insane. I wish I had a metabolism like that...freakishly thin would definitely be better than freakishly basic like I looked. I was always right there in the middle of the range of normal weight… Never over, never under.

I shut the bathroom door behind me and while I was warming up the water in the shower, I glanced for a second in the mirror. _Damn_, I had some serious bedhead. The lines under my eyes were standing out too. In general, I looked like I'd been through one of the crappiest days of my life.

Which I had.

With a grimace, I looked away from the mirror and instead decided to focus on my shampoo, sticking a hand in the shower to see if it'd warmed up yet. I flipped the shampoo bottle to where I could see the back and absently read over what it said.

_Lather, rinse, repeat._

Hm… well, I never really did repeat before. Maybe it could tame that rat's nest… I really doubted it, but everything was worth a try.

To my own personal surprise, repeating did do a big help to my hair, as I noticed while I was drying it. It was just so much easier to control. I was amazed. I ran my hand through the locks while I dried it, astonished at how it didn't frizz at my touch.

Why didn't I read the directions before, dammit?

Satisfied, I combed it all out and got dressed into a tee-shirt and some baggy old pants. Today would be a day of cleaning… I would try to repair all the damage Deidara had wrought so far. And maybe shop for a new stove later, if I could afford one. With that in mind, I made a note to wash off my mud-covered tennis shoes that were still sitting by the front door.

When I walked out to the conjoined living room and kitchen area, Deidara was busying himself with digging out anything edible from my insufficient cupboard. He looked at me for a moment with a piece of bread poking out of his mouth; then, as he took in the image of my existence in the magical world of Marie's Apartment, he withdrew the piece of bread to laugh.

"Nice effort, yeah," he chuckled, reaching over the countertop to grab at a lock of my hair. "But it's going to take more than that to make _your_ hair look as good as mine."

I grimaced at him and made a move to drive my palm into his face. He dodged easily, letting go of my hair. "Whoah, watch what you're doing!" he wined.

"Bastard," I muttered. _Bastard_ must gradually have been becoming my nickname for him; I called him that so often. He deserved it though. However, it only made him chuckle and continue looking for food. "Go bald, Deidara."

Then, out of nowhere, there came a knock on my apartment door. My heart froze. _Someone is going to come in here and see me being teased by an S-ranked criminal and panic and call the kazekage and I'm gonna be arrested and—_

I stopped my fretting. "Okay, Marie," I grumbled to myself, "We've gotta just find a way to hide this, just find a way to hide this and—"

"_Mari-chaaaaan,_" called a familiar voice from the door. "We know you're in there, Mari-chaaaan!"

Damn it. Team members.

I had to think fast. I quickly scanned the room for evidence—I picked up Deidara's Akatsuki cloak from where it hung over a chair and I walked into the kitchen area, came up behind him, and yanked the headband off of his head.

"Hey—"

"Shut up," I interrupted his protests. With the proof of his criminal existence in my hands, I carried it all off to my room, opened the closet, and threw it all in. Closing the door back, I looked around for any other proof that I was housing a criminal. Finding none, I made my way to the front door, where my team member was still calling my annoying pet name.

I glared at Deidara one more time. He raised an eyebrow while I leered at him. "If anyone asks, the bird is an antique statue," I commanded darkly. Then, with a deep breath, I opened the door.

"Mari-chaaaaaaaaan!" I was greeted by a big, bone-crushing, painful hug. I knew who this is without even seeing his face from my inferior height.

"Sh-Shuichi," I choked. "Please—let go of me—"

"But I missed you, Mari-chan! Why didn't you call us? I'm hungry!"

My other teammate, Shiro Takeshi, brushed past him and into the apartment. He glared at the both of us through a curtain of black hair before speaking. "Shut up, _Shinai_," he commanded at Shuichi's banters.

"Aw, 'Keshi-kun, you don't have to be so mad," Shuichi whined, clinging on to me. I made a choking noise as he crushed my lungs again.

"Er, Shuichi—" I began. Takeshi cut me off with his thick monotone before I could continue.

"Marie, who is this stranger in your house?" he asked. I froze. Shuichi let me go to investigate, and Deidara, mouth stuffed with bread, stared at all three of us with a confused expression.

"That's…uh…" I thought fast and answered like I did for my neighbors. "That's my cousin. Uh…his name is Joe."

"Your family has weird names," Shuichi commented nonchalantly, marching right past 'Joe' to raid the cupboards. "Whoah! What happened to the stove?" Obviously, he had just found my old stove's gravesite.

"It…uh… shorted in a power outage. It caught fire and exploded…" I shrugged.

"B-but that means you can't cook us anything delicious!" Shuichi wailed, looking to me with a big pout on his face. "Please, Marie, say it's not true!"

"It's true," Deidara said through a mouthful of bread. "I was there."

Thank goodness—he was going along with my charade. Shuichi whimpered for a minute before distracting himself with going through my cupboard again. Deidara was soon to join him there.

"Marie doesn't keep a lot in there, does she, yeah?" he conversed quietly with my teammate. Shuichi shook his head.

While watching them converse, I felt Takeshi brush my elbow to get my attention.

"May I speak to you for a second?" Takeshi asked after commanding my attention. When I nodded and stood still, he glanced about and lowered his voice. "In _private_?" he asked.

What was Takeshi up to? I barely talked to the guy to begin with; he only stayed around for the food I cooked.

Quietly leaving 'Joe' and Shuichi to talk about what could be cooked out of a leek, two potatoes, and a slice of cheese that they had dug out of the pantry and the refrigerator, I led Takeshi to the back storage room next to my bedroom. The walls in that room were thick; if it were necessarily as important as the seriousness on Takeshi's face showed, then the other two wouldn't hear from there.

After I closed the door and pushed a box of books out of the way, he spoke.

"I don't think that's your cousin, Marie," he began. "I've seen that face before…"

"What do you mean?" I asked stupidly, trying to hide my shock. Had I been found out that quickly…?

In the dim light, he grabbed my shoulders and looked me in the eyes. "You _have_ to have sensed that chakra."

"Yeah, I did," I replied ignorantly. "Joe always had a lot of chakra. He just isn't good at using it."

"That's not _it_, Marie…!" Takeshi was getting angry. "That guy—he looks like—"

"—Like my uncle Andie?" I finished for him. There had to be a way out of this… "I mean, they always shared a likeness…"

"No!" He glared at me. "He's not this Joe person you think he is! That's the Akatsuki member Deidara!"

Oh god. I was found out that quickly? _I'm screwed_, cried my little mind. _I'm screwed, I'm screwed, I'm screwed—_

I laughed, forcing myself to keep up my façade. "That's not possible," I giggled. "Silly 'Keshi-kun, you're just saying crazy things." This was something Shuichi always said to him when he was being irrational; maybe it would work for me too.

"I'm telling the truth," demanded Takeshi. "That guy…there's just something not right about him. Why would he come right now, anyway…?"

"Uh, I got a letter from Uncle yesterday," I replied, making things up on the spot. "He said that Joe can't be a shinobi anymore because, uh, he can't channel chakra through his legs due to an injury so he sent him here to recuperate and find work." That was a lame excuse, but maybe Takeshi would buy it. My uncle Andie was a weirdo anyway.

Takeshi sighed. "Alright, Marie," he grumbled. "I'll leave you be, but please be careful—this Joe might not be who you think he is. Watch his movements and if he tries anything, please get help…" Finally, he let go of his grip on my shoulders and opened the door back.

"Since when have you been so worried about my well-being?" I asked while I walked out the door.

"I'm not worried about _you_," Takeshi snorted. "I'm just worrying about the safety of Sunagakure, _baka_. That's our job, you know."

I rolled my eyes at him and walked back into the main area of my apartment.

Deidara and Shuichi were on the couch. Their heads turned when I walked in.

"Mari-chaaaaan," whined Shuichi, "how are you supposed to cook for us if you don't have a stooove?"

"Yeah!" Deidara joined in. "Get a stove, Marie!"

That's when an idea struck me.

"_Shuichi_," I said in a sing-song voice, "you get a lot of money from your family, right?"

"Yeah…?" Shuichi was starting to get nervous. Takeshi, who caught on to what I was up to from behind me, sighed deeply, and Deidara raised an eyebrow at me while I grinned evilly.

Two hours later, I had been outfitted with a very, very nice stove to replace the old one and I couldn't help but keep a stupid grin on my face. Shuichi was such a pushover. Maybe I should get my refrigerator blown up next, and my cupboards after that, then maybe be suddenly in need of a dish washer…

Shuichi, proud of his purchase, watched me fix a nice stew for lunch. Deidara, not quite as impatient, was waiting on the couch behind me, and Takeshi sat in a chair at my old table and watched him with wary eyes through his curtain of black hair.

I let my mind wander while I cooked. Takeshi was openly showing his distaste of 'Joe' after our little conversation…

…Then again, why had I defended Deidara? Why had I lied? He wasn't listening. Yet, I still made sure those two didn't know…

It was almost like…I didn't _want_ him to get found out. It was true that these days with the blonde had been noticeably interesting ones; but even so, why would I help a _criminal_? That made me a criminal myself. Yet, I didn't regret my choice… Was Deidara growing on me?

I glanced over at him. From the back, I could see his nice hair, and the lean muscles of his back through his shirt…and his arms were so well-shaped, and—

"Mari-chan," came Shuichi's whine, bringing me back into reality. "The delicious food is going to burn…"

_What was that I was just thinking? _Quickly, I stirred it and concluded that it looked pretty much finished. Flipping the switch to turn off the glass-covered heating unit, I grabbed the pot with the handles on each side and slid it over to get it off of the hot surface. "Lunch time," I called to the three of them, pulling bowls out of the cabinet. The three of them all crowded over the stew at once, all trying to get a bowl before it was all gone. By the time I finally got to it, there was only the smallest bit left, so I filled half a bowl for myself with a sigh.

"You all never leave me enough food," I complained as I sat down with them at the table.

"Don't complain," Deidara said between a mouthful. "You could use a diet, yeah."

This earned him a palm to the face. Once again, he dodged before I could land the blow, to my poor misfortune. "Go bald, Joe!" I shouted, remembering to use his fake name. "Go bald! Go bald! Go bald!"

"Eat your food, dammit!" Deidara protested.

Sulky, I sat at the table and crammed my half-a-bowl into my mouth. Then, finished with my food already, I stuck the bowl in the sink to wash later and went to pout on the couch.

Having nothing else to do with me and my 'cousin,' Takeshi and Shuichi left soon after. By the time the sun was starting to go down, I was still pouting.

Tired of watching me sit there and pout angrily at him, Deidara walked slowly over and sat down next to me on the couch. I refused to recognize him there, even as the couch cushion shifted slightly under his weight. I wouldn't talk to that bastard until he apologized.

A few minutes later, he was still silent. I stayed perfectly still, glaring at the glass doors of my balcony in anguish.

After a long time, he broke the silence. "…I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know that you women got mad that easily, yeah."

I turned and glared at him. "You're a damned bastard, I'll have you know."

"Aw, Marie," he said with a sarcastic grin, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. "You're my best friend too." He stood, taking me with him, and walked with me to the glass doors. "Let's watch the sun go down, hmm? It's like one long explosion, yeah. Girls are supposed to like it."

I pouted some more while he slid the door open and led me out to the balcony. The buildings of Suna were in the way of seeing the actual sun, but the sky overhead had turned red. He let go of me to lean against the frame of the sliding doors while I proceeded to stand quietly and glare at the sky.

"Aww, come on, yeah," he grumbled, looking at me a bit more seriously. "I'm sorry, okay? Please stop pouting."

"You're a mean bastard," I grumbled quietly, shifting my glare to him.

"I said I'm sorry!" he protested.

"I'm not accepting your apology unless you fulfill one condition," I threatened darkly.

"What is it…?" he asked. "I'm tired of seeing you looking like someone ran over your puppy."

"Chocolate," I replied. "I want chocolate ice cream. I'm not forgiving you unless you get me some chocolate ice cream."

Yeah, I was a manipulative bitch. Who cares? He deserved it. He insinuated that I was fat…!

"…Fine," he grumbled. "I'll get you some chocolate ice cream, yeah. Do you forgive me now?"

"Not until I have my ice cream!" I demanded.

He grabbed my wrist with something illegible grumbled under his breath, led me to the front door and out, down to the bottom of the stairs, and through the streets of Suna. Thank goodness I'd removed his headband, because the streets were crowded that evening.

I pointed out an ice cream parlor I liked, he fished money out of the pockets of his pants, and a few minutes later, I was standing outside of the ice cream parlor with a big cone of chocolate flavored ice cream. I licked at it with a big grin on my face, trying to finish it before it melted in the waning heat of Suna.

"…Do you forgive me now?" Deidara asked.

I smiled a chocolaty smile at him. "Yes," I said. "I forgive you now, Deidara."

He grinned triumphantly. "Good," he said. "You look really depressing when you pout, yeah."

I nodded carelessly and kept licking at the tasty treat.

"…Can I have a lick?"

I looked at him confusedly after he spoke. He sighed. "You look like you're enjoying it. I wanted some."

I shrugged. "I don't see why not. You don't have a cold or anything, do you?"

"Nah," he replied as he deftly grabbed the cone from my hands and greedily licked up a chunk of the ice cream before handing it back.

"You said a lick," I considered as I noticed how much he took from my unsuspecting ice cream. "That's more like half the cone."

"Shut up, yeah. I'm the one who bought it anyway," he pouted.

I laughed and continued eating my ice cream with happiness.

Maybe Deidara wasn't so bad after all…

**A/N:** This is the longest chapter up to date! :3 I am so happy to be done. I really had a ton of fun writing the last part of it. I promised some Dei/Marie fluff, and there you have it~! Just don't forget that **I would like a beta reader!** Please PM me!

Lots of love, hugs, and respect to:**  
Missmridvika  
****Chocoholic Jeevas****  
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VeryWithdrawn  
YoU aRe GoNnA hAvE tOo GuEsS  
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xAkumaxTenshix  
Twilightprincess219  
Kaharri**

I love you all soooo much, guys. Thanks for reading! Leave a review and tell me how you liked it. Every review, fave, and alert I get is more happiness to me! Remember that Tadashi is starved and reviews are her food!  
I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Have a SUPER AWESOME day!


	6. Hissy Fit

**A/N: **I AM SO SORRY. I had no intention in taking so long to write this one...! I was just uber busy, and I kept losing my motivation thanks to all my plot bunnies for other stories... I love you guys sooo much for keeping up with it though. The attention GOOMH has really keeps me going...  
Also, ATTENTION! Tadashi now has a wonderful beta reader! Her name is **WeepingCadaver**; I believe I have a link to her profile on my own profile. Check her out some time! She gave me the idea for how to end this one!

**Disclaimer: **If I were Masashi Kishimoto, I would bring Deidara back. Just sayin'.

**Get Out of My House  
****Chapter 6: Hissy Fit  
**_By T. Satsu_

"A job," I said as I worked on frying the eggs for breakfast the next morning.

"…What?" Deidara looked up from an old magazine he found on the coffee table.

"A job," I repeated. "You need one."

Deidara laughed. "I don't think you're in any position to tell me that I have to work, yeah," he stated.

"But if you don't have a job, I'm going to run out of money," I mused. "I can't afford to feed two people at every meal on a shinobi paycheck."

"Aw, you can handle skipping a couple of meals, Marie," Deidara promised. "You can't be that poor."

I pushed the eggs onto a plate and then turned around to pout at him. "_Please_?" I begged. "I need the money if you're going to be living here, you freeloader."

He raised an eyebrow. "…And you suppose people aren't going to recognize me? You sure as hell did."

I snorted. "You got me ice cream and no one noticed. People here don't know villains outside of their headbands and uniforms. Honestly, I read that sixty eight percent of Suna has vision impairments because of the sun anyway…"

"You sure about that, yeah?"

I thought back to the situation with Takeshi. Yes, they did recognize him sometimes…but that was Takeshi and Takeshi was known for his ability to remember things. Normal people wouldn't know who he was, and if they did…well, I had a comeback, I guess. He really did kind of look like my cousin Joe, with the blonde hair and the blue eyes. I looked back at him for a moment. _Yeah, if he just moved his bangs back a bit…but he has a much nicer face—_wait, what? What was I thinking?

Those are bad thoughts, Marie! Bad, bad thoughts! I used the spatula to thwack myself in the head. _Clear your mind, clear your mind…_

"Marie?"

Deidara's voice cut through the crackle of the eggs cooking. "What?" I grumbled.

"Quit hitting yourself with the spatula. You'll get grease from your face all over the cooking."

I cringed. "_Shut up,_" I snapped. "My face isn't that greasy and you know it." He laughed and proceeded to ignore me, as usual.

No more bad thoughts. No more thoughts like that, even if he really was sort of hot… Wait, what? No! No, no, no! Deidara is a gross, feminine, blonde idiot—

Who had a nice face—

No. Just…no.

It wasn't long before I finished cooking the breakfast of eggs, bacon, toast, and tea—yes, I did use the stove to make every single one of these. What can I say? The stove is awesome. Thank you, Shuichi!

We sat down and ate. As always, Deidara had a ton of eggs, a liberal amount of crispy bacon, and three of the four slices of toast. I had a piece of toast, two slices of bacon, and a couple of mouthfuls of eggs. "I hope you get fat off of all that bacon and eggs," I grumbled to him—with much thanks, he failed to hear me as he was too busy wolfing down food.

"You got anything else to eat, yeah?" he asked as his plate emptied and he reached over to mine, snatching one of my two pieces of bacon to munch on.

"No," I pouted. That meant even _less_ food for me… "You ate my bacon," I complained at the thought. "Can't I have _some_ food sometimes? I'm hungry too!"

"Shut up," Deidara snorted. He pointed to the bird on top of the shelf above my door and I shuddered slightly in fear as I remembered what it could do. A tiny thing that could blow up half of the village if I made any wrong moves…

He chuckled. "In all technicality, you're my prisoner, yeah. You have to do what I say or suffer the consequences."

"I still don't get it," I grumbled. "Why are you here?" I always wondered why he decided to leech off of a poor shinobi and live in hiding whereas he had been an Akatsuki member so recently before, blowing up these same villages.

"I never wanted to be in the Akatsuki, yeah," he grumbled nonchalantly, leaning back in his seat and looking out the window. "They think I'm dead, so I might as well lay low for a while here until they stop looking so I can be free of all of their shit." I nodded; I didn't get a single bit of it, but smiling and nodding was just fine to avoid the wrath of an ex-Akatsuki. One phrase did repeat through my mind though: _for a while_. Did that mean he would leave once he decided it was all clear? YES! THANK YOU! All I had to do was count the days!

…but what if 'leaving' meant killing me and taking my stuff?

Well, I was going to die anyway. I knew I was dead meat from the start. I had kind of gotten used to the 'I'm going to die' thing. I just had to keep operating and keep it off my mind.

Maybe he put some lethal poison in the ice cream I made him buy. Maybe he injected it when he asked if he could have some. I couldn't put it past a criminal, anyway. He was probably faking this whole thing… Maybe he's going to push a big red button in a secret lab underneath Suna and I'm just gonna randomly drop dead.

I had to ask. What if he were plotting how to kill me and take over my body like Akasuna no Sasori would? That creeped me out. Not like I'd be that useful on the battlefield anyway, even as some kind of a chakra-puppet…

"Deidara?" I began tentatively.

"What?" He cracked an eye open; I noticed that he had leaned back, and propped his feet on the table…

…on the _table_.

"Get your feet off the table," I said instead of asking my question.

"No."

I rolled my eyes.

"_Get your feet off the table," _I repeated.

"…No."

Ugh. Damn terrorists. "Why do you have to make this so complicated?" I growled. "Just _get your feet off the damn table_!" I made an epic rage face; my brows contorted, my eyes lit up, and I got a mean look about my mouth that I also use to scold little kids.

Deidara raised his eyebrows again—in fear, I hope?

Then he grinned. "No."

I bubbled over. My face turned red and I slammed my hands against the table in sheer rage. "GET YOUR FEET OFF THE DAMN TABLE!" I screamed hysterically. "DO YOU WANT TO RUIN THE WOOD? THAT TABLE COST ME A LOT! YOU'LL BE PAYING A LOT OF DAMN MONEY TO FIX IT IF YOU MESS UP MY DAMN TABLE—"

"Calm down, yeah!" Deidara shouted, his voice far quieter than my hysterics. He stood up—which, thank _god_, removed the feet from the table. "It's just a table! You don't have to get all pissy over it!"

I glared at him for a few more moments—it seemed like _hours_ to me as I tried to make his head catch fire with the power of my stare. Then my shoulders slumped and I lowered my voice. It's just a table after all….just a table… "…thank you…for taking…your feet…off the table…" I gritted.

I think Deidara nodded and I heard him walk to the couch, but I didn't see him clearly since I had decided to focus my gaze on a lovely spot on the tile under the table that I had stupidly forgotten to mop up. Damned spot…damned Akatsuki… Damned EVERYTHING.

Now, why was I so pissed off about everything all of a sudden? I don't know. Maybe I hadn't grown out of those teenager mood swings yet. I was just sick of it. Maybe all the crazy things that had happened over the past few days had finally caught up to me.

Then, amidst all of the chaos, I remembered something.

"I still need to go grocery shopping."

I still don't remember how I wound up taking Deidara with me.

"…Just…please…" I massaged my temples and closed my eyes, blindly pushing the cart down the aisle in search of bread. "Just get some butter already."

"There are four different kinds of butter though," Deidara snorted. "What kind do you want, yeah?"

I cracked an eye open and glared at him. "The buttery kind! I don't care!" I snapped.

He shrugged and walked away. I suppose he didn't want me to have another Crazy-Marie-Explosion again.

I think the reason why he offered to pay half of the grocery bill that night was because of my little explosion of rage earlier. Of course, I took this opportunity to my utmost advantage—I bought two of everything I normally buy and a few extra things—and I made sure _not _to ask how he got the money because I would probably refuse to shop with it. Maybe I should have thrown hissy fits more often—it meant half-price food!

"This kind?" Deidara's deep voice cut through my thoughts. I looked down and saw him holding out a little four-pack of butter sticks. The brand wasn't cheap—but hey, I was getting everything half-price so I may as well enjoy it.

I grinned. "I guess that's good," I replied. He dropped the butter in the cart and looked back at my list of things I wanted and needed in order to cook in the house. The cart was pretty full—I called it vengeance for every inconvenience Deidara provided by even existing on the same planet as me.

"I think we're about done," I mused, looking over the groceries and making sure I had gotten the biggest tub of chocolate ice cream the store had.

"Good," Deidara grumbled. "Just because I was Akatsuki doesn't mean I'm loaded, yeah…I mean really…"

An old lady that I thought was sort of familiar walked by; I thought I saw her turn her head at us, but I suppose she was just criticizing Deidara's strange hairstyle in her mind.

Back on topic, after she left I turned to face him with the _cutest_—AKA scariest—grin on my face. "But I _really_ need some more food at the house…I mean, I am feeding two people now, you know…and because I haven't been on a lot of missions lately, Takeshi and Shuichi are trying to leech off of me as much as possible…"

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever," he mumbled. "Let's just pay for it already."

I'd never been rushed out of a store faster before that day in which Deidara dragged me out at warp-speed. He grumbled about how I was burning a hole in his already-low wallet and how money didn't grow on trees and Akatsuki definitely weren't wealthy, while I smiled and sang a happy tune about how much I loved groceries. With my hands partially filled and his absolutely overloaded with bags, we—well, _I_—skipped along back to my apartment.

I didn't pay attention to anything along the way. I mean, the route was so basic. Maybe that was why I didn't notice the odd scent in the air as I shuffled along to the back with all the intentions to make my way up the stairs, down the hall, and to my door to put the excess amount of groceries away and sit on the balcony. But half way there, I felt a weight on my arm.

I spun my head around for a brief moment. Deidara had his hand on my arm; he fixed me with a bright blue eye—it was filled with…_concern?_ Really? Did terrorists feel that kind of emotion?

That was when I smelled the smoke. I looked up.

There was smoke pouring out of one of the open windows of the apartment complex. I gasped.

_It was my bedroom window._

Then, I realized something. I hadn't turned the oven off before I left.

Well…shit. I guess I wasn't meant to own a stove after all. Damn you, bacon gods! Damn you!

**A/N:** That's all, folks! Hope you liked it~ More to come with the next installment of Get Out of My House!

LOTS and LOTS of love goes to:  
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And of course, my wonderful beta reader, **WeepingCadaver**_. _Really, guys, check her stuff out. She's awesome.

I love all my favers/alerters/reviewers soooo much. 3 You guys keep me going~

Like it? Hate it? Leave a review and tell me what you think! -

So, _have a SUPER AWESOME day!_ -Tadashi Satsu

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